I’m wondering if this is right or fair for me to even be writing this to you.
Why do you have to be so amazing? I’m just wondering. I’ve never met anyone so witty or kind or gentle before, much less anyone that ever really got what came out of my head; and then you showed up with your easy laugh and your stupid jokes and you understand without my needing to say anything at all. I’ve never really had that before, not even with my best friend. But you don’t see yourself as anything special at all which is absolute bullshit. How you could see yourself as anything less than what you are (which is wonderful) is beyond me. Obviously our friends see it, and obviously I see it so why can’t you just accept that?
Our friendship is kind of unique in many ways. Someone I’m close to told me I can’t possibly like you or love you or whatever; I don’t know you well enough, I don’t know what love is. Personally, I think that’s bullshit. (That might just be me though.) People are kind of stupid and kind of wonderful in their own special ways, I guess.
Sometimes I’m worried that I bother you too much and you’d much rather spend your time doing other things with other people. I mean, let’s face it; in another life, we never would have met. I would have been too shy and quiet and scared. Sometimes I feel like it would have been easier for us to never have met. But then you laugh with me and cheer me up when I’m down and play along when I’m acting like a retard and I’m left wondering why I’m lucky enough to have you in my life and why I had the misfortune to fall for someone to far out of my reach.
I honestly don’t think you and I could ever happen. I look at you and I someone funny and sweet and compassionate and someone who will definitely never see me as anything more than a friend, a lonely little girl who spends all of her time lost in her world of computer games and words. My best friend tells me I should just tell you how I feel. She’s like that, very open and bold. Sometimes I feel like that too. Like I could just call you up or text you right now and tell you how I feel. Like I could be fearless.
And then I take a breath and a step back and realize who we are and how our lives work and that we’ll never really work out in the end, even if you did feel the same way about me. It won’t be for lack of trying either. Love is just funny in the fact that it tends to disregard all boundaries, personal or otherwise.
Even if I developed the testicular fortitude to tell you how I felt, what would you say? “You’re a sweet girl, but I can’t feel that way about you.” “It’s too complicated.” “We’re not right for each other.” I’ve heard it all before and honestly, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me and I definitely don’t want you to hurt me. It’s easier if you don’t know and I pretend I don’t love you. For both of us.
I’d honestly rather have a best friend I can always turn to rather than an awkward mix of a friend-but-not-really-a-friend-and-sometimes-more anyways. I’d rather have you laugh with me than never speak to you again out of embarrassment. So please, don’t feel sorry for not being able to return my feelings or anything like that. It’s really just okay, I promise. That’s why they call it a crush. Getting hurt is an occupational hazard and I’m really okay with it. Just please don’t ever stop being my friend.
Sincerely, me.
